For the sake of Harmony

What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?

I follow Jay Shetty on Instagram. Jay Shetty is a former monk who is now a podcaster, author and life coach. Last year he posted a video with a moving an affirmation: “I am exactly where I was meant to be. Not ahead. Not behind.” For the sake of creating harmony for myself, that affirmation has had a positive affect on how I evaluate where I am in my life when I feel stuck. Many times I have found myself comparing myself to others. Keeping up with the Joneses. Why can’t I have this? Why haven’t I experienced this in my life? Why aren’t I in this position in life? Why aren’t my kids in this position in their lives? I’m not there because this is where I was meant to be. I believe the reason why this is where I was meant to be is out there somewhere. I have faith that God and the Universe have great things in store for me and they will come to me when the time is right, not the time I want.

Sauce

Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?

When I walk into my house for a few days after I have made sauce, I am transported back to my childhood and the comforting feeling of home associated with that smell. I am a third generation American born Sicilian. My great grandparents immigrated to America from Sicily in the early 1900’s. With that said, every Sunday during my childhood we had sauce. To us, sauce means a pot of tomato sauce simmered with spices for several hours with meatballs and the pasta of the cook’s choice. Sometimes it was spaghetti, sometimes rigatoni. On a special occasion it was ravioli or stuffed shells. So many of my cherished childhood memories are of watching my grandmothers make sauce. As an adult when I make sauce, in my heart I know my grandmothers are there with me.

Favorite Moment

Describe one of your favorite moments.

One of my all time favorite moments was the moment my children met each other for the first time. I was still in the hospital recovering from a repeat c-section to deliver my daughter only the day before. My husband brought our newly turned three year old son to the hospital meet his baby sister. I was sitting in a chair holding my daughter so that her head was resting on my knees and her feet were touching my belly. I told my son what my daughter’s name was as he approached me. When he greeted her with his little boy voice and called her by her name, she turned her head towards his voice. It was amazing. Their instant bonding was a foreshadowing of what was to come for them as siblings. Almost 22 years later they still have a bond that cannot be broken. They enjoy each other’s company. They always have each other’s backs. They each have the complete opposite personalities but that works to their advantage when one of them has an issue, the other one gives a fresh perspective. My son is the epitome of a good big brother. When my daughter fell and scraped her knee he’d ask for a bandage for her. When she was afraid of people in scary costumes as a child, he’d reassure her that she was safe. When she played her trumpet in her final concert of eighth grade, he had flowers for her. When she’d start a new school; middle school, high school and college, he’d take her on a tour before school started so she’d know her way around when school started. She attends the same university he graduated from because she liked what the school had to offer. He’s always been there for her and she for him. Sure they bicker and get on each other’s nerves plenty but they are still thick as thieves. I could go on all day about them but I’ll just leave you with the picture.

A Smashing Day-A notable event.

What notable things happened today?

Feeling vulnerable, I stood there in the diagnostic room in my scrub pants and a hospital gown open to the front. I left work early today to drive to this notable event and my scrub pants were the only part of this moment that made me feel normal. In mammograms they position the breast appropriately and then they crank that tit smasher machine tighter and tighter until you think your tit might actually pop. First they smashed my left breast from the mediolateral view (side view). Next, they smashed it from craniocaudal (top to bottom view). After that I’m escorted back to the dressing room with the rest of my belongings. “We’ll wait for the radiologist to read this”, they said. A few minutes later my left breast was back in the tit smasher for round two with the same views. Afterwards, I was back in my dressing room a second time. I pondered whether they would go for round three of a mammogram or do an ultrasound? Would my life change after today? I tried to imagine what some my patients with serious diagnoses go through when I prep them for surgery. They stare off into space. They act upbeat and ok but I know inside they are not ok. I try to distract them from their troubles with various conversation starters. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t work I give them the space they need to process what is happening to them. The next diagnostic for me after the two mammograms was an ultrasound. I held my breath with every notation made, every measurement, every click of the keyboard, every facial expression of the ultrasound tech. The ultrasound tech gathered all of the views she needed and went to get the radiologist. The radiologist entered the room with a smile. “You have benign cysts right next to each other, let’s take another look”, she said as she ran the ultrasound over me one last time and told me there was no evidence of cancer. I was then escorted back to my dressing room so I could get dressed and leave. As a nurse, having had some of my own health scares has given me a fresh perspective on what patients need from us. With gratitude and relief, I got dressed and left there with a little more wisdom than I came in with.

Ida Candy

Daily writing prompt
Describe your dream chocolate bar.

Hands down my dream chocolate bar is Hershey’s milk chocolate. Answering this prompt was a perfect excuse for me to eat one today. I like Hershey’s milk chocolate because putting a piece of that chocolate on my tongue and tasting it as it dissolves into my watering mouth gives me a feeling of euphoria that turns my frown upside down. It is almost as if my body knows when it needs Hershey milk chocolate bar. There’s another reason Hershey’s milk chocolate is my favorite; because my Nana Ida always had them for us. My paternal grandmother, who we called Nana Ida always had a stash of candy in her china cabinet. She’d have hard candy, Brach’s Royals and a variety of Hershey’s. As a young child when I would spend the night with Nana Ida and Papa Charlie, it was a special treat when Nana Ida would break a Hershey bar up piece by piece and share it with me. After she died, the nine of us, all of her grandchildren nick named the candy she used to have as “Ida candy.” It goes without saying that I think of Nana Ida every time I bite into a Hershey’s because I know she’s smiling down on my enjoying one too.

One Simple Thing

Describe one simple thing you do that brings joy to your life.

The simple thing that I do that brings joy to my life is reading. When life gets crazy I can always rely on a good book to take me away. I read everyday. I enjoy reading because it takes my mind and my imagination to different times, places and experiences. It’s my favorite past time. I can easily spend hours in a bookstore or library. When I’m interested in a particular subject I read read read all about it until I’ve had my fill. There have been times when I’m so engrossed in a book, it consumes me to the point that I feel incapacitated until I finish it. I’ve been known to read a book in a day. I like that about me. I remember precisely when I declared myself a reader. I was in fourth grade. We were doing the end of the year standardized testing. My teacher permitted us to choose a book from the bookshelf in the classroom when we were finished with our test each day. Because I was in fourth grade, I chose Takes of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume. Each day I looked forward to returning to that book until I finished it. There was no turning back after that book. I knew I would be a lifelong reader. When I was a junior in high school I was being punished one weekend and not allowed to go out with my friends. I had just started reading Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger in my English class and I was enjoying it so I had no problem staying in my room. To this day I still laugh to myself that my parents gave me the wrong punishment. To punish me would have been to take the book away. The only time period in my life I didn’t read was when I was in college studying to become a nurse. There wasn’t enough time in a day or room in my head for anything else. After I graduated and passed my RN exam I returned to reading. For the past several years I’ve joined the yearly reading challenges on the Goodreads app. On Goodreads you can see what other people are reading and make lists of books you’ve read. I read the number of books per year that is equivalent to my age. I enjoy fiction, historical fiction, beach reads, autobiographies, daily devotionals, books about spirituality and Catholicism and most recently poetry. When I see a young child enjoying a book I’m excited that their lifetime of reading has junior begun. When I see someone reading a book in a public place, I’m happy for them. When someone tells me their love of reading began during their adulthood I’m proud of them. My favorite people to talk about books with are my patients. If I see a book amongst their possessions I ask them about it. It passes the time for them, distracts them from their troubles and I enjoy hearing about what people read. I could go on and on but my book is waiting. “Books are a uniquely portable magic.” Stephen King

Embrace the suck

As the ball falls and the darkness of December fades into the light of January, a new year is born. With that comes a new found clarity, a rebirth and the opportunity to wipe the slate clean to start again. After 2020 isn’t that what we all want? Hope for better times ahead.

2020 began like any other year for me. When Covid-19 pulled the rug out from under us and excreted its venom upon the world, like everyone else, I found myself swimming in a sea of uncertainty. Would I get Covid? Would I lose someone to Covid? What is going to happen to my world as I know it?

I can’t look at 2020 as the year of suck. Instead, I choose to embrace it. There were plenty of things that sucked in 2020. 2020 taught me how to accept what is, let go of what isn’t and be grateful for what’s in front of me. On the home front, my husband and I quickly adopted that mantra as a coping mechanism, means of survival and a way to keep our young adult children physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. With each new issue or disappointment that arose in our daily lives, we were diligent with that mantra. The social isolation, the frustration, the hopelessness, the beginning of virtual high school and university education, my daughter’s lost senior prom, senior track season and high school commencement, my son’s lost December college commencement. The things that were not meant to be for us in 2020 only made us a stronger family unit and more grateful.

On the work front, I am an RN of twenty six years. For the past eight, I’ve been working in the pre-op unit of my hospital, preparing patients for surgery. Before that, I spent thirteen years as an emergency room RN. When the world shut down and my state’s governor cancelled elective surgeries, even though the only necessary surgeries were being done, the preoperative units were left scampering to find work so their employees didn’t have to go on unemployment or use all of their paid time off. They sent us to screen people as they entered the hospital and satellite locations. They sent us to classes. My boss told us if we had skills in other areas we could expect to be called to use them. Former ICU RNs were sent to the ICU. I was one of several veteran emergency nurses selected to be activated in the emergency department if the surge reached our hospital. On Nurses’s Day in May my father posted a picture on social media of me in my PPE, stating that I was on the front lines, “fighting Covid”. I was so embarrassed. From my Dad’s perspective, he was telling the world how proud he was of me. Deep down inside, it irked me for about six weeks that I didn’t feel like I was doing my part because I wasn’t on the front lines in the Emergency Room. Each of us in the group of ER RN veterans only worked one shift in the ER because our hospital didn’t get the surge some of the others in our city did. During my day in the ER, I took care of symptomatic Covid patients. I transported Covid patients to the ICU. The hospital was like Sombertown. The ICU looked like a war zone. I was as terrified as I was as a young nurse in the early 1990’s, taking care of full blown AIDS patients.

As time went on, my fears were replaced with caution and a new level of awareness. When elective surgeries returned and my department busted our asses everyday to get these patients into the OR, I realized that I am doing my part. All of us who work in healthcare are doing our part regardless if we are on the front lines or not. The custodial staff who clean and sanitize the hospital. The food service who feed us. The people who stock our supplies and take care of the equipment. The command center who direct us. The chaplains who pray for us.

I enjoy listening to XM Sirius Radio on my way in to work in the morning. One morning before Thanksgiving, there was a little greeting blurb from Mick Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mac. He started out with some humor about how he was learning the ukulele and how he wasn’t very good at it. He said he missed making music with his friends. He wished the listeners a Happy Thanksgiving and not in so many words stated that now was the time to be grateful, to learn, to go within. I wish I could hear the blurb again because it did resonate with me.

It has been over a year since I have posted anything in this blog. In the midst of life I have somehow lost my writing voice. The words are swarming around in my head from time to time but can’t seem to make it to the tip of my fingers, the keyboard and this page. I am hoping to find my writing voice again this year.

Happy New Year

When your parish community disappoints you.

God mounts his throne to shouts of joy: a blare of trumpets for the Lord.

This past Sunday, I attended 1100 Contemporary Mass at our church and listened to my daughter play her trumpet for the Lord for the final time as a member of our church’s Youth Band. My daughter is just finishing her junior year of high school and she’s been a member of our church’s youth band since 8th grade. She’s always loved it and felt honored and inspired to be part of something so meaningful that didn’t involve her school work. This year was different for her. The music director added several new choral youth musicians to the group. My daughter sensed the dynamics had changed and didn’t feel like she and her trumpet fit in anymore. There were times she’d attend weekly Thursday evening rehearsal and there was no music for her to rehearse because no one prepared her music for her. She’d wonder why she even bothered to stay at rehearsal. There were other things that happened that bothered my daughter and I could feel her growing frustration. It broke my heart a little when my daughter told me she felt like she didn’t fit in anymore and wanted to resign after the school year was over. I supported her decision immediately. This is supposed to be church. Aren’t we all supposed to fit in? God accepts us and welcomes us with open arms but the parish community? Not really. I don’t think we all really fit into the parish community.

I earned my Bachelor of Science in Nursing from a small Catholic women’s Liberal Arts college. Because it was a Catholic college, the school required we take two religion courses. That was fine by me, I was there as an adult learner already 14 years out of nursing school and I was ready to expand my mind!  Plus, I’m Catholic. I attended public schools throughout my youth so it was nice to receive a Catholic education. I took a biblical studies course which focused on the bible from a historical perspective and a spirituality course. I loved everything about those two courses.

One thing that always resonated with me since the Spirituality course was what I read in The Holy Longing the Search for a Christian Spirituality by Ronald Rolheiser. Rolheiser suggests that Jesus prescribed four essentials for a healthy spiritual life; private prayer and mortality, social justice, mellowness of heart and spirit and community as a constitutive element for true worship.

So let’s break this down. I’m a baptized and confirmed Catholic. I was married in the Catholic Church, my children are baptized and confirmed, I pray every day, I treat people according to the ten commandments, my heart is at peace, I give money to the church and attend Mass but not as much as I should, twice a month.  Never in my life have I ever felt genuinely welcome by the parish community or any parish community I’ve belonged to. Do I volunteer for the church? No, I work full time by healing the sick and I volunteer for my daughter’s band program. Do I make eye contact with the Priest and nod my head in agreement when his homilies touch my soul? Always. Is it because my kids do not attend Catholic school? Is it because I don’t volunteer at the church or is it because I’m not visible to the Priest enough or in his subconscious mind or in anyone’s subconscious mind at the parish? When my daughter came to tell me that she felt she didn’t fit into a group that she once loved so much, my own frustration with the parish community returned with a vengeance.

So how are we supposed to achieve a healthy spiritual life if one of the four essentials is missing and you don’t feel like you’ll ever be able to achieve it? The answer to that question still eludes me.

After the first reading in a Catholic mass, there is a Responsorial Psalm with singing and musical instruments. This week’s Responsorial Psalm couldn’t be more fitting as my daughter’s time with the youth band comes to an end. God mounts his throne to shouts of joy: a blare of trumpets for the Lord.

My daughter got to play some trumpet solos for that song; a bittersweet ending. It was as if God was personally telling me he appreciated my daughter playing her trumpet for him for the past four years and that it was ok for her to resign, that he understood.

After Mass we went to the basement of the church for a little party celebrating some of the recent high school graduates of the youth band. I walked away for a few minutes so my daughter could confront the youth band director to resign. My girl cried a little but she had the courage to say what was in her heart, “the dymanics have changed and I don’t feel like my trumpet fits in anymore.” My daughter felt as if the youth band director “didn’t hear” her, didn’t grasp that she was resigning and that her decision was final.

Later on, the youth band director approached our table. It was only my daughter and I at the table because the other people who were at the table when I sat down, moved. The youth band director addressed my daughter’s feelings and we spokes for a few minutes. I sensed she was trying to find a way for my daughter to continue with the band and hadn’t accepted that my daughter is finished there. As the conversation was coming to an end I began to share a recent music experience through school that my daughter was involved in and very happy about. In a split second my ability to read people’s body language and facial expressions radar alerted me that the woman wasn’t interested. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.

I left church on Sunday feeling disappointed. Disappointed for feeling like an outsider in a place that should make you feel welcome. Disappointed the youth band director never fully grasped my daughter’s music abilities and utilized them. Disappointed yes but very proud of my daughter for speaking her mind and removing herself from a situation that didn’t make her feel good anymore.

 

 

 

Sick Pup Update

It’s been almost four weeks since I posted about my dog’s new diagnosis of Intervertebral Degenerative Disc Disease so I’ll just start where I left off on March 7.

img_6783

After I posted about my sick pup we left the house to attend my daughter’s concert. My daughter is a junior in high school now with a heavy load of honors and AP classes but she couldn’t go to school that day knowing that our dog’s neurological status had deteriorated. We were in a waiting game to see if the steroids they’d given him were going to reverse his paralysis. My husband and I came to an agreement with our daughter; we were to go to the concert providing we didn’t hear any more bad news about the dog before the concert. I emailed the band director to fill him in on what was going on. He was extremely understanding and excused our daughter from the concert if she couldn’t go but hoped she would because maybe playing music with her peers would help her feel better. The band director was right. Our band booster family was there to support us and it being with our friends as we watched our children play a concert was helpful to our own healing.

We visited out dog late that night after our son was finished with a lab class. Our dog’s condition hadn’t changed and I noticed they put a catheter in his bladder. The veterinarian said he indeed had bowel and bladder control and sensation in his limbs but it was stressful for an animal to wonder when they’d be able to relieve themselves. He was sleepy and his eyes were blood shot yet receptive to our presence. We tried to do little things to him to test his movement that we know used to annoy him. We noticed if we touched his tail he’d ever so slightly pull it away. He ever so slightly pulled his back foot away. It was encouraging.

The following morning I returned to the animal hospital to visit our dog. The catheter had been removed and this time they did not wheel him in on a stretcher as they previously had, they carried him in and placed him on the couch in the visiting room. The veterinarian came in shortly afterward and told me to go get things ready in our home because he would be discharged later.  I asked him if he wanted to come home and he tried to move his upper torso and kicked his back legs.  It had been less than 12 hours since we saw he and he’d already begun to regain function. We were headed in the right direction.

The discharge process was a little frustrating. We had so many questions and the vet tech that was assigned to help us with the discharge had not worked with our dog. Really? We learned about toileting, medications, feeding and activity. Imagine a cartoon character who gets hit in the head with a rock. He or she is stunned for a minute, shakes his or her head and proceeds. That’s how my husband and I felt in the beginning.

Our dog, Cooper had to be held a certain way to support his back but to allow him to stand up to urinate.  So before discharge, the vet tech called in some reinforcements and we went over it until we felt comfortable. Even after training, for days after it took two of us in the family stand him up outside and days of getting our timing right. Sometimes he’d pee outside, sometimes he’d have an accident. Three days later, after work and as my daughter suggested I took him to his favorite light pole, stood him up and he peed. Victory! My daughter who had just come home from school and was pulling into our street witnessed it as she was parking her car. Although the toileting process took longer to perfect, this was definitely an encouraging sign.

The medication process was another doozy. The animal hospital sent him home on six medications. Prednisone, a steroid to reduce the swelling of his spinal cord. Gabapentin for neurologic pain and function. Tramadol for pain. Methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant and sedative. Omeprazole to protect the lining of his stomach and  Cerenia for nausea. “Oh and by the way”, they told us. “Don’t feed him tonight because he threw up.” We were to give him two of the medications that evening. Here is where I had an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, anxiety, insecurity and fear. I asked myself if we’d be able to care for him. He wouldn’t take his medications in his usual way which is a pill placed in cream cheese and rolled up on a slice of ham. His tummy hurt. A phone call to the vet advised us to dilute the pills, put them into a syringe and gently squirt into his mouth. Public service announcement: my dog was in a shelter for six months from the age of two to two and one half when we adopted him. We have no idea why he was surrendered or what happened to him. He bites to bite.

The first night home was the most difficult. As usual we brought Cooper to bed with us. After all, he is our third baby and he really did need the attention. He cried all night. His tummy hurt, he vomited, he peed on himself. In the morning I called the animal hospital and they added a seventh medication. Pepcid to reduce stomach irritation and acid. By the end of the day he was holding water down. The next day our daughter got him to eat a few chunks of boiled hamburger.

Each day we noticed he was able to do more and more things physically. Rolling over, sitting up, standing, peeing outside. Sunday, two days after discharge was his first attempt to walk. My daughter filmed him stumbling off his pillow. I posted it on social media and got so many sad comments. That’s our reality though and I wanted people to know that. By Tuesday he was walking. He still had signs of neurologic deficit but his veterinarian was pleased with his progress and felt that surgery was not necessary at this time. His appetite increased gradually. By the time our son came home a week after Cooper was discharged from the animal hospital we had finally gotten him to take meds in his ham and cream cheese roll up again but then he abruptly stopped. My son suggested maybe Cooper was sick of ham so we bought some bologna and roast beef. That did the trick. No more diluting meds, putting them in a syringe and squirting them into his mouth. We alternate between bologna and roast beef. This dog eats well. I’ve also added a spinal vitamin to his meals. It contains, cow trachea, horse tail and several vitamins and electrolytes. I open up the capsule and mix it into his food.

img_7010

 

He isn’t allowed to go to the groomer until he’s medically cleared and he’s getting scruffy. I’ve contacted a groomer whom I know owns a has a mobile grooming service and  does multiple special needs dogs. He’s on crate rest and is supposed to be for at least 4-6 weeks. He is not allowed to go up or down stairs or jump off of furniture. That’s the challenge. Cooper has separation anxiety. He can’t just be placed in his crate and be expected to deal with it. Ordinarily he’s crated only when we leave the house.  I made yet another phone call to the veterinarian. The day after his first follow up check up, he literally paced around in the crate all day.  I fail to see how that is promoting rest for him. She advised that I could give him his anxiety meds that we use for grooming and vet visits. I have since added a natural calming chew twice daily and removed the as needed anxiety meds because I don’t want him to develop a tolerance. We have baby gates now. We allow him to be out of the crate in restricted areas of our home under direct supervision so he doesn’t injure himself. We believe in keeping him safe first and foremost but we are also concerned about his emotion health. He needs to be nurtured as he heals.


img_6971As they say, when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade. This situation definitely blindsided my entire family. My husband, our son, our daughter and I came together as a team to care for Cooper wholeheartedly with love, devotion while sticking to his treatment guidelines.

I can only imagine what it feels like receive pages of discharge instructions and a bag full of medications to bring a sick human being family member home to care for them. On May 14, 2019 I will celebrate the 25th anniversary of my graduation from nursing school. Talk about feeling like a cartoon character who’s had the rock thrown at her head. Where did the time go? I have spent half of my life as a Registered Nurse. Not only was my dog’s illness an eye opener and a life style change for us as a family, it was an eye opener for me as a nurse. There’s always room for improvement. We should never stop learning or trying to better ourselves. When life throws you a lemon, take the lemon, embrace it, make the lemonade, learn from the experience, use what you’ve learned to help others.

My sick pup

I’ve been away from this blog a really long time. I just haven’t felt inspired to write anything. I’m confused and uncertain about the direction this blog is going in. I’m not sure if I like it. During my absence, I’ve tried to follow other people’s posts, admiring their clarity and direction  and in return have asked myself the same question, “who am in in this blog?”

Today I return though.  I return brokenhearted and devastated. The world that my husband, our son and daughter live in has been turned upside down and shattered. Our dog, a nine year old male mini poodle is in the hospital with a new diagnosis of Intervertebral Degenerative Disc Disease. The vertebrae in his neck are compressing his spinal cord and he’s paralyzed.

My daughter noticed Tuesday evening that he was acting like he was in pain. I left work three hours into my shift yesterday morning to bring him to the animal hospital. His condition has deteriorated significantly since his arrival there. While I was getting him into the car yesterday to bring him, he looked like he was doing a little better. He seemed to be moving around easier and I thought he’d get some doggie ibuprofen and he’d be good to go a few days later like he was three years ago when he appeared to have back pain.

They started steroids at 0300. The night veterinarian called at 0630 to tell us he’s paralyzed and that we should come in. Surgery would cost 11K. Would he ever be the same though? Do we want him to suffer? Hell.to.the.no! The tears came, I gathered my family and off we went to the vet. It was like a death march in a parade of darkness, despair and impending doom. When we arrived they wheeled him in. He was covered up and on his side. He picked up his head when we saw us. Once again, as he has for the past 6 years and 10 months, he filled our hearts with his love. It felt so so good to see him, to pet him, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to talk to him, to bring him his favorite toys, to feed him, to touch him and to reminisce about him in our lives. We have thousands of pictures of him of simple everyday moments of life that he has shared with us. He has taught each of us to love in a way that we were unfamiliar with and he has amazed us everyday with the gifts that God has given him. He is our everything.

The morning veterinarian came in to see us after a little while. She  doesn’t want to give us false hope yet she doesn’t want to give up on him just yet though. He’s on pain meds, anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxers and steroids in hopes that the steroids will take effect in 24-48 hours. We were relieved. We thought the night vet was inviting us to come put him to sleep.

The rug has been pulled out from underneath me and I’ve been hit by a train. Our happy little world with our dog is shattering and we are holding on for dear life.  I haven’t cried this much in a day in probable 10 years. I’ve seen so many people experience what I am experiencing right now with their pets. Every time I see someone go through it I always always say a prayer of thanks for my dog. This sucks. I’m a nurse. I see this all the time with humans. I hurt for patients and families when they get a shit diagnosis. I am realistic too. I know there’s no guarantee those steroids are going to work and but am I being selfish for wanting them to? The vet said IF the steroids are effective, he’ll need weeks to months of pain meds, steroids and muscle relaxers. We as a family commit to that. I just want him home. I want to nurse him. I want to love him more. We all do.

After we left the vet went for lunch, dropped my son back at school and after we got home I took a nap. I stopped by the church. It was locked so I sat in front of the statue of Mary and asked for a Divine Intervention. God has granted them to before. Now I need another one.

The paw I am holding is his right front. In September of 2016 he snagged it on the carpet, ripped it and it bled. We took him to the same animal emergency hospital where they fixed it. From then on we called it boo boo paw.

Below are the lyrics to Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work”. Although sad, I like it because it’s asking for one last chance. That’s all I want.

Lyrics
Pray God you can cope
I’ll stand outside
This woman’s work
This woman’s world
Ooooh it’s hard on a man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the Father
I know you’ve got a little life in you left
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left
I know you’ve got a little life in you yet
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left
I should be crying but I just can’t let it show
I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking
All the things we should’ve said that I never said
All the things we should have done that we never did
All the things we should have given but I didn’t
Oh darling make it go
Make it go away
Give me these moments
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your talking hands
Give me your hand baby
(I know you have a lot of strength left)
Give me your pretty hand
(I know you have a little life in you yet)
Ooh you have a lot of strength
(I know you have a lot of strength left)
My loved child
(I know you have a little life in you yet)
Whatever you need baby
(I know you have a lot of strength left)
Give me your hand
(I know you have a little life in you yet)
Give me your hand
(I know you have a lot of strength left)
Oh I should be crying but I just can’t let it go
I should be hoping but I can’t stop
Thinking and thinking and thinking
Of all the things we should’ve said that we never said
And all the things we should have done that we never did
All the things that you wanted from me
All the things that you needed from me
All the things I should have given but I didn’t
Oh darling make it go
Just make it go away
Psalm 34:17-18 The Lord hears his people when they call to him. 
                            He rescues them from all their troubles.
                            The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those who are crushed.

img_3986

Roxie Rides Again

It's never too late to live happily ever after

Most Reverend Ryan Peter James Cleminson

Independent Catholic Archbishop

Mistakes MadeBy Me

Learning together to create better!

DailyInterestingBlogs

Health, FOOD, Social life, Lifestyle

MyGenXerLife

Wandering at the Intersection of Life and the Music of My Youth - A Gen X Music Blog

Arts &Crafts, How-To's, Upcycling & Repurposing

Art & Crafts, up cycling & repurposing

Jane's Lens

Jane Lurie Photography

The Tea Kettle Mental Health Blog

Mental Heath, self-help

Thoughts From The Passenger Seat

Musings from the back of the motorcycle and front seat of the car

It's All About Family

Stories about people - blood relatives and others

Abandoned Southeast

Preserving the Past | A Photoblog of Hundreds of Abandoned, Historic, and Forgotten Places

Scott's Trail Notes

Inspiration In Hiking

The Dog Training Website

Online dog training solutions for families on the go.